This piece is mocking hiring practices and was inspired by the TV show Invasion, and John’s Scalzi’s short fiction stories, where extra-terrestials and other fantastic things are treated as mundane.
Interviewer: Good morning, candidate 1237412d, and welcome to the next interview round for Planet Invader Associate position. You’ve successfully passed all previous eleven rounds, and we’re finally getting to the meat of it.
Candidate: Good morning! I’m so excited to finally meet with somebody in person! I enjoyed talking to all of your colleagues, as well as headhunters and talent agencies, before that. Nevertheless, there were months when I hadn’t heard from anyone and almost lost hope!
Interviewer: Yes, careful evaluation of each candidate is part of our hiring process. We don’t want to make any rushed decisions, do we?
Candidate: I wasn’t sure I’d hear back at all. I received a generic rejection message thanking me for my interest and informing me you’d moved forward with another candidate. The message was addressed to candidate 1237412b, not me, so I didn’t lose hope!
Interviewer: Well, you are here, 1237412d, aren’t you? Are you ready to get started? Would you like sustenance before we begin? Help yourself to the yellow ones over there.
Candidate: Delicious — now I’m ready to get started!
Interviewer: Excellent. First, let me explain The Organization. We’re looking for someone with a great cultural fit. You would join the Department of Invasion (DOI for short) with focus on rocky planets that have up to two moons. You like moons, don’t you, candidate?
Candidate: Uhm…
Interviewer: Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have passed the fifth round, would you?
Candidate: Yes…?
Interviewer: Naturally, DOI doesn’t operate in a vacuum. Department of Discovery regularly provides fresh planets suitable for invasions. Mind you, we do, in fact, operate in the vacuum of space. In your resume, you proudly claim to have obtained a Certified Space Invader certification — that’s a nice to have certificate! Nevertheless, we are more interested in whether you’ve completed any vacuum training.
Candidate: I was born in the vacuum.
Interviewer: Great. In that case it won’t pose any trouble for you to pass the training, will it? You should sign up for our Vacuum Sucks™ course as soon as possible. We offer substantial discounts for candidates such as yourself.
Candidate: Training isn’t part of onboarding?
Interviewer: No. The Organization doesn’t waste resources on something as trivial as onboarding. We only hire excellent candidates who will contribute immediately — It’s in our stakeholders’ best interest. Here, help yourself to a pamphlet.
Candidate: Thanks!
Interviewer: What do you know about The Organization?
Candidate: I see The Organization has great company benefits. It’s right here in the pamphlet!
Interviewer: We won’t discuss benefits at this time, that’s what the 17th round of hiring interview is for. Let me just say, from personal experience, the chance to serve in The Organization is the greatest benefit one could ask for. Nobody ever asks or should ask for more. What else do you know about us?
Candidate: The Organization invades planets!
Interviewer: Is that all?
Candidate: It’s a big business. Many rivals operate in this industry. Planets, moons, even entire solar systems are auctioned off to the highest bidders. Planet owners set the rules. They may rent entire worlds or subdivide them for sale. Buyers often terraform planets to increase their market value, and then flip the world for profit. One planet can change many hands. Of course, nobody pays any attention to native inhabitants of the planet. If organization analysis team determines that natives pose a risk, it dispatches an invasion to take care of it. It’s fairly common to—
Interviewer: Excuse me, that’s almost correct. In any case, we’re not here to discuss planet trading. Let’s talk about you, candidate. Why should we hire you?
Candidate: Uhm… I’m a born invader!
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I have to be honest. Earlier, I said I liked moons, but the truth is I’m more of a gas-giant kind of guy. I don’t mind a moon, but two? That’s too many moons for me. Anyway, I have a few questions too—
Interviewer: We’ll get to your questions in later rounds. Let’s talk about your resume. Would you care to explain this gap in your professional experience?
Candidate: I was a young spore and wanted to travel the galaxy. I wanted to expand my—
Interviewer: Thanks. We’re short on time because of your irrelevant and lengthy description of planet trading. You do know we have only five minutes, don’t you?! Let’s talk about your experience. Planet Invader Associate position requires 400 years of experience with invading planets. I don’t see any such experience on your resume. Would you comment on that?
Candidate: I’d love to get 400 years of experience but nobody will hire me to get it. It’s a vicious cycle! Hey, I was wondering about what kind of compensation can I expect for the position like this?
Interviewer: You read the job description before you applied, did you? It’s all there! Regardless, compensation isn’t on the topic today.
Candidate: Excuse me, you say it’s there but I have it right there in front of me and I can’t see it anywhere. All I could find is “a competitive salary”.
Interviewer: As I said, not on the topic today… Let’s move on. Please answer the following question to the best of your abilities: How many piano tuners are there in space?
Candidate: Oh jeez, that’s a tricky question! Give me a moment.
Interviewer: Sure, take your time. (Pause) Are you ready to answer?
Candidate: Zero — in space no one can hear you play.
Interviewer: Thank you, 1237—
Candidate: Hey, my fellow hatchling wanted me to ask: they submitted resume with you but haven’t heard back.
Interviewer: Submitted resumes are processed and any non-compliant are automatically rejected without further action. As I mentioned, Organization doesn’t waste resources. We have a fiduciary responsibility to our shareholders.
Candidate: What does it take to have a compliant resume?
Interviewer: Only the lucky candidates get a chance at getting hired, that’s all I can tell you. Now, let’s get back on track, shall we? Tell me about a time you successfully negotiated budget for your project.
Candidate: Time when I did what?
Interviewer: As you might imagine, invasions don’t come cheap. Invaders must set and adhere to a strict budget. Cost overruns are not tolerated.
Candidate: I’m lucky to be a member of swarm with a steady income that comes from subjugated worlds. Ever since I matured I took interest in the workings of the swarm and started putting money aside. This allowed me to pursue side projects and I became fairly passionate about invasions. I never needed to negotiate a budget because I used my own money.
Interviewer: Your own?! Excellent!
Candidate: It’s a hobby really but I’d like to make a living doing what I love.
Interviewer: At The Organization, we believe that if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
Candidate: I sure do love a little invasion every once in a while!
Interviewer: Candidate, we’re about to wrap this soon. Walk me through a time when you invaded a rocky planet with at least one moon.
Candidate: This was many years ago, shortly after I matured from the spore phase. A couple of us decided to go on an adventure. We were young and were hungry! I stumbled upon a small, unremarkable solar system, a true backwater shithole. Nobody would touch this corner of the galaxy with a ten-foot pole! But to me, it felt like I hit the jackpot! It had a couple of gas giants and a few rocky planets. Nothing to write home about. Nevertheless, I burned with desire to invade my first world and this was my chance!
There were two planets that caught my interest and I decided to try my luck with the smaller one. I set up my base of operations on one of the moons. It was tiny and irregular in shape. I studied the planet and considered the best course of action. Suddenly, one of my hatchlings entered the solar system. I wanted to show off! I got nervous and I got stupid. I started extracting water from the planet but I messed up the field intensity and disrupted planet’s magnetosphere. Its biosphere quickly withered away. Technically speaking, the planet was conquered but I never filed the paperwork. I felt ashamed. I started avoiding planets with two moons like a bad omen. As you can tell, it was a huge learning experience for me and I’m thankful for it. From that day forward, I always follow the standard invasion procedure.
One day, I’d like to come back to that cursed place and finish the job. The remaining rocky planet is calling me. It has oceans and only one moon, so there is that.